1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
