I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
