M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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