tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We smell like vodka and hangover
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