i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just invented taco cereal.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
