a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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