he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
