I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
