my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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