I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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