I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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