seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
no you cant smoke seaweed
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
