You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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