im drinking this country out of the recession.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
