he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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