Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
