my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He? As in you personified your dick?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
