That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
