There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
