my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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