you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
