If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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