it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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