if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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