if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
