remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
