I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
