I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
