I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
