david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
