how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
