I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he fucked my hip out of place.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
