i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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