Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I party with great urgency now.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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