You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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