I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
