My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
