Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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