we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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