I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
