So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
