; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
