Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
