I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Randomize
