He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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