yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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