He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
