Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
