Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
