I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
